A Different Path
by DeadlyTigerwolfClaw
Summary: The wars are over, and Leonardo is struggling with the feelings that only all the fighting could distract him from. Now he has to decide how to continue on his life, even with his own mind haunting him. One-sided Leonardo/Edward. Stream of consciousness.


You are important to me; you have always been important to me, and I believe that you always will be. But I never thought it would end up this way. Some things are uncontrollable, but I've always kept what I could in control. Yet it seems now that my own mind has betrayed me. I must have let something slip. The more I think about it, the more I want to change it, to set it straight, and the more impossible it becomes.

I had lost everything, nothing was clear. I was going to die, I was sure. Maybe I even wanted to die. But then you had saved me. You taught me how to stand once again, how to care and how to live. My physical wounds were able to heal, my emotional ones forgotten if even for a second. In that moment, I owed everything to you.

But how did it end up this way? It seems impossible to understand. I can't understand myself anymore. What do I want, and why do I want it that way? All it will bring in the end is pain. This is wrong!

Your lifestyle is so precarious that it drives me nearly mad. After you became all I had, I couldn't stand to watch you spill your blood time and time again. I decided to teach you what I knew about the blade, little though it was. But you never gave up your dangerous spirit. I've spent my life since then holding my breath.

_This is so terribly wrong._

The rules and discipline that I had learned from my family; you broke almost every single one. To no avail I tried to give you a sense of responsibility. I really thought that you would listen? To this day I still wish that you did. The pain and worry that struck through me whenever your blood spilled increased with the time that I knew you.

You can't leave me. I can't go on without you. On some level I suppose that I had always felt that way. On a different level I knew that I never wanted to. But now I don't know what to think.

Seeing you cry for the first time was almost truly terrifying. Despite your faults, you were one of the strongest people I ever knew. I wasn't sure of what to do, but at the very least I was there for you. And that time was when I learned more about you than anyone else ever had, I learned about all that has happened to you. Did that mean that you trusted me? I felt closer to you then.

I had never been one to speak of my own misfortune, but after all we went through together, even in the short time that we knew each other, I felt that at least to some point I could trust you. I told you things about myself that I would have told no one else. You were already closer to me than anyone before had been allowed. It tore at me somehow, slowly coming to that realization.

_Nothing makes sense anymore! This feels so wrong._

I know you better than anyone else, and it is the same with you to me. I had much reluctance in the beginning; getting to know you. After everything had fallen from me, I was scared. Day after day you had been there, though, and we eventually grew closer and closer. I let myself care for you, no matter how afraid I was. We soon became best friends; something I thought I would never have. We soon became family; something I thought I had lost forever.

Every time you smiled at me, I felt slightly more at peace. Every time we comforted each other, I felt even closer to you. We had similar motives, and fought next to each other; learned beside each other, and grew stronger as the time went on. Always supporting each other in battle and helping the other heal when it was over. In the small moments of peace we had, we still stayed at each other's sides.

Even if you never listened to me, I would never give up on you. I never wanted to give up on you. You're important to me, you always will be, and I would never stop trying to teach you differently until you cared for your own life a little more.

_I can't lose you... I just can't lose you._

I always doubted myself and what I was doing. I hated spilling blood. I hated taking lives. But at times I felt as if what I was doing was right. Because of you I felt as if I could go on. Even when your unrealistic views did all but downright anger me, they gave me hope, as well. Even when I didn't want to admit it. I wanted to stay by your side, just as we had always talked about. At the end of the war, we would leave together, and according to you, there would be peace.

There could be peace as we stayed by each other's side. But with these damned fearful feelings in the back of my mind.

Every time I saw you fall, and every time we got back up. Every time I scolded you, and every time we cried together. Every time we laughed together, all the moments we stayed beside each other. It all amounted to something more. The bond I had with you continued to grow stronger, ever stronger, until I could never look at you the same again.

_I love you._

But I can't! These feelings are so terribly wrong. I can't have them for you. They go against everything. I ignored them for the longest time, I pretended that they weren't there, but they always were. And I hated it.

More than ever I was afraid of losing you. I wanted to tell you how I felt, but I knew that I couldn't. If I barely understood the feelings myself, how were you supposed to? I still don't understand. I still hate them. I'm still disgusted with myself. Yet every time I saw your smile, I fell a little more.

_I wanted you to save me. I wanted you to understand._

We had promised some time back to always be together. How are we supposed to now? I wanted to always be with you. It's different now. We can't possibly have the same ending. You will never feel the same way about me. And I can never even tell you how I feel. I want to erase the feelings; push them to the back of my mind. I don't want to lose what I have with you. But in the end, maybe we were destined to walk different paths.

We want different things. And this would be better for you. All you ever wanted was to live a normal life, and you told me to come along with you, yet I can't throw away my loyalty to the army after all. And the pain of being in the army is a way of hiding from these feelings that I fear. Even if it's without me, you have to do what makes you happy. Walk away as if you never knew me; it doesn't matter how much I hurt. We were always meant to say goodbye. If there is a chance that these feelings would destroy you the way they destroyed me, then I don't want you to have anything to do with them. I'm nothing but a poison, after all. Walk away, it will be all right. You will have peace, just as you envisioned. More than my fear of watching you leave, I want you to be safe. If your happiness is at my expense, then so be it.

_In that moment, I owed you everything._

_In that moment, I had fallen for you._

I shouldn't have to matter anymore. All you have left to worry about is yourself, and I can only hope that the rest of your life goes by painlessly. If there is that chance that I will cause you distress, then it is I that has to leave. Just as I will always love you, you will always walk your own separate path. And no matter how much I will long to see your smile one last time...

_We were always meant to say goodbye._


End file.
